


i'll never be free

by pinkgrapefruit



Series: coughing up petals [7]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M, flowery crap, my bullshit is steaming, procrastination nation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-28 02:03:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20418074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkgrapefruit/pseuds/pinkgrapefruit
Summary: I’ve never memorised another body quite like I memorised yours.





	i'll never be free

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thorpe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorpe/gifts).

> i'm taking it slow. real slow.
> 
> (for frey, my rock.)

_ Each time I hold somebody new _

_ My arms grow cold aching for you _

_ No one can take your place _

_ Darling, in my embrace, I'll never be free _

I’ve never memorised another body quite like I memorised yours, the feeling of warm skin under cold fingers, patterns of cellulite and musculature all one under my fingertips. Nothing has ever felt the same as how you squirmed under my touch, eyes closed in pleasure - waiting.

There’s never the rush, the feeling of want, of desire that I when I had you.

You who held still only once when I pulled thorns out of your thigh from an encounter with a rose that, unlike me, didn’t have a soft spot for you. You who let me kiss every spot of blood right off the skin until it was back to baby’s breath and iberis - long-lasting love and sweetness.

Little did I know that iberis also means indifference and my bouquets would wither into some unknown longing. 

I need a flower that grows in the coldness of my heart, and now the coldness of my bedsheets.

_ And when my lips burn with desire _

_ No other kiss puts out the fire _

_ Though I may try and try, no one can satisfy _

_ This longing in me _

And I’m still scared to sleep on your side of the bed it fucks with my head. The way the pillows still smell of that shampoo you used once on a Tuesday makes me crazy. I know you hated it but now it’s the only reminder of what falls between love and loves and loved.

The shampoo is supposed to be pomegranate but reminds me more of cyclamen - an unholy omen of separation and trust me the irony never fails to hit me. 

I dream of what we were, what we had and trust those dreams to keep the fire in my belly ablaze and roaring. Noone else can tend to it the way you did and so I will keep to my lonesome path, be the light for the lonely sailors coming in from the sea. 

_ I'll never be free from your smile so tender _

_ The sweet surrender in your eyes _

_ How can I be free when I still remember _

_ How you could thrill me with a sigh? _

You’d lay on my couch, pretty as a picture with the carnations in the background, a pretty contrast to your blue t-shirt - the yellow, bringing out the green in your eyes. 

Your eyes could hold my attention for hours, eyelashes feathered like dandelion plumes - catching the wind like birdsong. One bat of them and I would be on my knees for you.

Now my knees are no longer shades of lapis, ochre and sage but I still feel the way you have marked me for life. My lips still hold the weight of our last kiss and sometimes, I swear I can hear how your voice would break when we fought - crackling like radio static on detuned car wireless when we’d drive out of the city just to be alone with our thoughts, with each other. 

_ Just like a chain bound to my heart _

_ Your love remains when we're apart _

You took a bike chain and tied it around my vena cava. I didn’t get a choice as you changed the code from your birthday to something I could actually forget. You attached the other end to a lamppost and left me like a puppy dog, waiting for another owner, another man to come and take me home. 

I saw you walk out of a florist with a bouquet of pink carnations - new love, I’ll bear that in mind.

_ Each kiss I gave to you, made me _

_ A slave to you, I'll never be free _

**Author's Note:**

> feedback. yes please. need motivation.


End file.
